So, your partner is joining the Royal Navy? My tips and experience on surviving initial training
I'm guessing you're here because you're looking for answers, wondering how your relationship is going to change or whether it will survive? I was exactly the same. Scared. Uncertain. Anxious. I wish there was a post like this for when I started this journey and maybe I wouldn't have felt so alone in the beginning.
If you don't want to read about my experience and just want the tips on how to get through Raleigh, you can scroll down to this section near the bottom.
So, with that, grab your coffee, a glass of wine, a cuppa tea or whatever tickles your fancy; and I hope by reading this, you will find some peace of mind.
My experience:
I met my partner at college when I was sixteen. I want to say it was romantic being left tied to the college bus by your shoe laces - but it was far from it when he got off the bus waving and I had two stops to undo the impossible ball of knots he had constructed.
I was aware of my partner's ambitions to enter the navy from the beginning, and despite the fact I knew my life probably would've been less of an emotional rollercoaster - you really can't help who you fall in love with.
In September last year, we had nearly been dating for two years, and I moved three hours away to university. By November, we had already been getting used to being apart physically, but made sure we utilised FaceTime and calls to stay in touch. However, at the end of the month, he left for the navy, and that's when the real journey began.
Raleigh was the real test.
It is where all the bidding sailors go for initial training for an intense ten weeks, but luckily enough, this was split up by the two week Christmas break.
As we are a young couple, I am not his next of kin and therefore didn't get sent information packs that the navy sent to families, however I am lucky that I have a close relationship with my partner's family and therefore was able to still receive updates.
The hardest thing about Raleigh was honestly not knowing when your phone was going to ring. Your recruit was only limited to half an hour's worth of phone time a night (and that was if everyone had behaved that day), and going from speaking everyday to once a week, was a shock to the system.
What wasn't fun was finishing a bad shift at work at 3am and then leaving to find out you'd missed a call and wonder when they'll ring again. Are they ok? How was their day? Had something happened? And what didn't help was when you did actually get to talk, the phone line was always terrible. And, often, terrible phone lines led to terrible phone calls.
At the time, I had also had a family member pass away (so please bear this in mind), so I was feeling extra low not being able to talk to my partner when I was having a bad day. I felt guilty. I thought the best way to make sure my recruit would pass out, was to try and sound as positive as I could on the phone, but this often backfired and I would either get upset or end the phone call sooner than what I intended. I'd go to sleep at night with this tremendous feeling I couldn't explain; like a weighted sadness that pressed heavily on my chest. And then I'd lie awake wondering if this feeling would be forever and if this would be our lives from now on.
Mid December: I had returned home for my uni break, and I hadn't heard from my boyfriend for nine days. Me being me, I let my feelings explode and at 4am, my recruit was standing in my room, having headed home for leave, having not slept for twenty-four hours, looking as shattered as I felt.
If you don't want to read about my experience and just want the tips on how to get through Raleigh, you can scroll down to this section near the bottom.
So, with that, grab your coffee, a glass of wine, a cuppa tea or whatever tickles your fancy; and I hope by reading this, you will find some peace of mind.
My experience:
I met my partner at college when I was sixteen. I want to say it was romantic being left tied to the college bus by your shoe laces - but it was far from it when he got off the bus waving and I had two stops to undo the impossible ball of knots he had constructed.
I was aware of my partner's ambitions to enter the navy from the beginning, and despite the fact I knew my life probably would've been less of an emotional rollercoaster - you really can't help who you fall in love with.
In September last year, we had nearly been dating for two years, and I moved three hours away to university. By November, we had already been getting used to being apart physically, but made sure we utilised FaceTime and calls to stay in touch. However, at the end of the month, he left for the navy, and that's when the real journey began.
Raleigh was the real test.
It is where all the bidding sailors go for initial training for an intense ten weeks, but luckily enough, this was split up by the two week Christmas break.
As we are a young couple, I am not his next of kin and therefore didn't get sent information packs that the navy sent to families, however I am lucky that I have a close relationship with my partner's family and therefore was able to still receive updates.
The hardest thing about Raleigh was honestly not knowing when your phone was going to ring. Your recruit was only limited to half an hour's worth of phone time a night (and that was if everyone had behaved that day), and going from speaking everyday to once a week, was a shock to the system.
What wasn't fun was finishing a bad shift at work at 3am and then leaving to find out you'd missed a call and wonder when they'll ring again. Are they ok? How was their day? Had something happened? And what didn't help was when you did actually get to talk, the phone line was always terrible. And, often, terrible phone lines led to terrible phone calls.
At the time, I had also had a family member pass away (so please bear this in mind), so I was feeling extra low not being able to talk to my partner when I was having a bad day. I felt guilty. I thought the best way to make sure my recruit would pass out, was to try and sound as positive as I could on the phone, but this often backfired and I would either get upset or end the phone call sooner than what I intended. I'd go to sleep at night with this tremendous feeling I couldn't explain; like a weighted sadness that pressed heavily on my chest. And then I'd lie awake wondering if this feeling would be forever and if this would be our lives from now on.
Mid December: I had returned home for my uni break, and I hadn't heard from my boyfriend for nine days. Me being me, I let my feelings explode and at 4am, my recruit was standing in my room, having headed home for leave, having not slept for twenty-four hours, looking as shattered as I felt.
All of a sudden, those feelings just melted away and it didn't matter anymore how angry we were at each other because he was here - standing in my room - in person - and in the flesh. It was in that moment, the feeling of being partially strangers had vanished by our familiar embrace.
We learnt a lot about communication that night as we stayed up talking about everything we had left unspoken.
After Christmas, things got a lot easier.
We learnt a lot about communication that night as we stayed up talking about everything we had left unspoken.
After Christmas, things got a lot easier.
I had been added to his division's class group chat with other parents and partners, which is where I met the three loveliest girls that will remain friends for life. One of the girls had placed me in a separate partners chat so the four of us could chat about our ups and downs or even just what we had gotten up to that day. Without those three girls and their unconditional support throughout, I don't know how I would've made it - or made it sane anyways. So if you sassy ladies are reading this, thank you.
The Pass Out Parade was soon around the corner, and for us, the event was taking place on Valentine's Day. I couldn't contain my excitement to see him and his family and I set off for our five hour journey to Plymouth.
The Pass Out Parade was soon around the corner, and for us, the event was taking place on Valentine's Day. I couldn't contain my excitement to see him and his family and I set off for our five hour journey to Plymouth.
We stayed in the cutest little apartment overseeing the harbour that had rows of dainty, little restaurants. It was almost as though the view was from a painting.
The day of the parade was one I'll never forget. The recruits had put together a routine, along with a band and other recruits still in training. Guests were formally dressed and were sat apprehensively for the performance to begin. When the performance had ended and hats were thrown in the air, the recruits had officially finished their initial training. Their long hours of work, determination, and courage had paid off and I couldn't of been prouder - and I still am writing this. Not only did I get to have the best valentine's gift of seeing him but I got to celebrate the achievement with my best friend.
Going to Raleigh answered all of the questions that had even whirring in my head, and we were confident for the next stage of the process and for our relationship.
Now in Phase 2 of training, the reins have been loosened and my sailor is able to visit me on the weekends, despite being a four hour drive apart. But that is something you learn; distance doesn't always have to be the end all. As the saying goes, sometimes it can only make the heart grow fonder.
Top Tips for Phase 1:
Utilise support networks: Facebook groups and pages were a saviour for me. I encourage anyone to join them, no matter how you are related to your recruit, to stay connected with those who can relate to what you are going through. Joining the groups and following the official Raleigh page was also handy for receiving updates, whether it was what the recruits had been up to that week or a picture of the class hard at work. Again, this was also where I met some of my friends that I am still in contact with now; so not only did it provide support, but I also gained three, new friends.
Keep yourself busy: Being at university provided me with a natural distraction but I would sometimes still find my mind wandering where I would find myself feeling down again. I made sure to keep busy and always made sure I had something to look forward to every week to keep my spirits up. Being away from your partner doesn't have to be negative. This is the time to pick up a new hobby, check-in to self care and focus on you. Plan ahead for families dinner, a girl's night out (or lads) or pencil your favourite activity into your diary. Before you know it, you'll wonder where the time has gone.
Surround yourself with positive reminders: Being a younger couple, we were often unsupported by others whom we discussed our situation with and if I wasn't already feeling worried myself, other people would chip in their opinion and tell us our relationship wouldn't last. Comments like this you just have to ignore and remember that they are not actually in your relationship.
The way I stayed positive about my relationship was to remind myself of some of our favourite memories and so I pinned photographs to my uni wall and created a scrapbook. Another way was to remind myself of the benefits of the navy to our future, how it was a job that my partner had so much pride in and something that makes him incredibly happy to be apart of. The pass our parade was also something to look forward to to see each other; so that was the end goal for us at the time.
Communication, communication communication: One of the hardest things about the initial training was coming to terms with the new changes and accepting that we had to adapt. I believed, in the beginning, that by not sharing my feelings with my recruit, he wouldn't have any distractions in order to pass out - but I actually couldn't have been more wrong. It's important for you and your recruit to discuss how you're feeling because there will be good days and bad days for both of you. They feel it as much as you do so the best thing you can do is to communicate with each other when the opportunity arises. Know also that your recruit has other people he/she also will be communicating to and that they didn't not ring you because they didn't want to talk to you, they just simply have to divide their time between their loved ones. The pass out parade was even more so important to me as I found peace of mind knowing all of my unanswered questions were no longer a burden on my shoulders. Being apart has also taught us to appreciate the time we have together and that it is all more that precious to make the most of it.
Know that it isn't forever: Know that you will be okay. As much as it may seem like a lifetime apart, remind yourself that initial training isn't forever and that everyday is another day closer to seeing your recruit again. Raleigh will push your relationships to the limits and things will be out of your control. It will test your own sanity and your ability to handle changes. There is no doubt that it will change your relationship, but know that this doesn't have to be negative. Only you and your partner have the power to determine where it takes your relationship and sometimes, yeah, you will be angry and upset, and sometimes it won't work out, but sometimes it can. And if you're lucky enough to survive that, you both will grow even more as a couple as well as individuals.
Every journey is unique and yours certainly will not be the same as mine. You might be fine and quickly adapt or you might need a bit of time to get used to it. But that's ok.
I still have days where I miss him and miss our life before all this, but I'm not looking at dark days anymore; I'm looking towards the future.
All my love,
M x
The day of the parade was one I'll never forget. The recruits had put together a routine, along with a band and other recruits still in training. Guests were formally dressed and were sat apprehensively for the performance to begin. When the performance had ended and hats were thrown in the air, the recruits had officially finished their initial training. Their long hours of work, determination, and courage had paid off and I couldn't of been prouder - and I still am writing this. Not only did I get to have the best valentine's gift of seeing him but I got to celebrate the achievement with my best friend.
Going to Raleigh answered all of the questions that had even whirring in my head, and we were confident for the next stage of the process and for our relationship.
Now in Phase 2 of training, the reins have been loosened and my sailor is able to visit me on the weekends, despite being a four hour drive apart. But that is something you learn; distance doesn't always have to be the end all. As the saying goes, sometimes it can only make the heart grow fonder.
Top Tips for Phase 1:
Utilise support networks: Facebook groups and pages were a saviour for me. I encourage anyone to join them, no matter how you are related to your recruit, to stay connected with those who can relate to what you are going through. Joining the groups and following the official Raleigh page was also handy for receiving updates, whether it was what the recruits had been up to that week or a picture of the class hard at work. Again, this was also where I met some of my friends that I am still in contact with now; so not only did it provide support, but I also gained three, new friends.
Keep yourself busy: Being at university provided me with a natural distraction but I would sometimes still find my mind wandering where I would find myself feeling down again. I made sure to keep busy and always made sure I had something to look forward to every week to keep my spirits up. Being away from your partner doesn't have to be negative. This is the time to pick up a new hobby, check-in to self care and focus on you. Plan ahead for families dinner, a girl's night out (or lads) or pencil your favourite activity into your diary. Before you know it, you'll wonder where the time has gone.
Surround yourself with positive reminders: Being a younger couple, we were often unsupported by others whom we discussed our situation with and if I wasn't already feeling worried myself, other people would chip in their opinion and tell us our relationship wouldn't last. Comments like this you just have to ignore and remember that they are not actually in your relationship.
The way I stayed positive about my relationship was to remind myself of some of our favourite memories and so I pinned photographs to my uni wall and created a scrapbook. Another way was to remind myself of the benefits of the navy to our future, how it was a job that my partner had so much pride in and something that makes him incredibly happy to be apart of. The pass our parade was also something to look forward to to see each other; so that was the end goal for us at the time.
Communication, communication communication: One of the hardest things about the initial training was coming to terms with the new changes and accepting that we had to adapt. I believed, in the beginning, that by not sharing my feelings with my recruit, he wouldn't have any distractions in order to pass out - but I actually couldn't have been more wrong. It's important for you and your recruit to discuss how you're feeling because there will be good days and bad days for both of you. They feel it as much as you do so the best thing you can do is to communicate with each other when the opportunity arises. Know also that your recruit has other people he/she also will be communicating to and that they didn't not ring you because they didn't want to talk to you, they just simply have to divide their time between their loved ones. The pass out parade was even more so important to me as I found peace of mind knowing all of my unanswered questions were no longer a burden on my shoulders. Being apart has also taught us to appreciate the time we have together and that it is all more that precious to make the most of it.
Know that it isn't forever: Know that you will be okay. As much as it may seem like a lifetime apart, remind yourself that initial training isn't forever and that everyday is another day closer to seeing your recruit again. Raleigh will push your relationships to the limits and things will be out of your control. It will test your own sanity and your ability to handle changes. There is no doubt that it will change your relationship, but know that this doesn't have to be negative. Only you and your partner have the power to determine where it takes your relationship and sometimes, yeah, you will be angry and upset, and sometimes it won't work out, but sometimes it can. And if you're lucky enough to survive that, you both will grow even more as a couple as well as individuals.
Every journey is unique and yours certainly will not be the same as mine. You might be fine and quickly adapt or you might need a bit of time to get used to it. But that's ok.
I still have days where I miss him and miss our life before all this, but I'm not looking at dark days anymore; I'm looking towards the future.
All my love,
M x
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